Chapter 23: Lesson

[ Setting the scene: Béma is the Rohirric name for the Vala Oromë.]

18 July 3019 (Third Age), Edoras

Théo stepped cautiously through the unexpectedly open door.

“Hello? Éowyn? Your guards said I should just come in. It’s...”

The door creaked shut behind him. He heard the click of the lock, and whirled as his jaw dropped.

“Don’t you like it?”

Théo’s mouth worked soundlessly for a time. Then: “you look ... you ... wow. I... wow!“

She smiled, though there was a decided blush to her cheeks. “Inelegantly said, but I will gratefully accept the intent despite the lack of any identifiably coherent compliment.”

As ever, her raiment was white. But that was where the resemblance to her usual attire ended. Her dress was, especially for her, shockingly form-fitting, clinging to her precise curves like a second skin. It was cut in a way that clearly revealed the seam of her buttocks, the taut (and, at the moment, quite obvious) buds of her nipples, and even a highly suggestive v-shaped cleft between her hips. An opening ran up the side of one long leg, exposing it almost to mid-thigh, and the sculpted and embroidered collar plunged low and wide enough to reveal the interior swells of her modest breasts. Her hair was neither straight, braided, nor bunched, but hung about her shoulders in soft, luxurious ringlets. It was outrageously inviting and uncharacteristically, blatantly sexual, yet the more Théo gaped at the ravishing vision before him, the more she blushed.

Finally, he managed more eloquent words. “You have always been incomparably beautiful, yet I have never before seen you openly acknowledge it in such a fashion.”

Moved by his naked honesty, she couldn’t bring herself to offer her usual denial. She looked down, smoothing her hands over the sides of her dress, then blushed even more deeply as the touch made her nerves come alive. “Your sister inspired me to experiment. On the other hand,” she admitted, suddenly shy, “I haven’t actually had the courage to step outside this room.”

They shared a moment of laughter before, finally, embracing in joy at seeing each other once again. Their kiss was neither chaste nor overtly passionate, but he was painfully aware of every detail of her body as it pressed against his.

“Then I will consider it a unique personal privilege to see you thus.”

She beamed, kissed him again, then drew away. “And where is Elfi?”

He sighed, deeply, as they reclined together on her couch. “As I’m sure is the case for many suddenly overwhelmed young men as their courtship reaches its denouement, I’ve been deemed an inconvenient distraction while she explores the mysterious frontiers of wedding preparation. This is all the more confusing as it was my understanding that our betrothal will involve little more than the two of us speaking words of commitment to each other, standing before an elder in an otherwise entirely private ritual. Despite that, she is, at the moment, engaged in appointments with Glædor the dressmaker and Leofwyn the jeweler.”

Éowyn clapped her hands together. “Oh, this is such wonderful news! I’m so happy for both of you. But,” she paused, hesitant, “how can she ... I mean, Théo, I can’t imagine you don’t already know this, but while both of them do exquisite work, they’re somewhat expensive...” She trailed off, uncomfortable at the implications of her words.

He rolled his eyes, grimacing. “Believe me: I’m painfully aware. Yet she was determined to have no other, and in fact that’s part of why we’re here in Edoras.”

She reached for his forearm. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but may I offer to help? Both of them do much work for my family, and I would be more than pleased to inform them that they’re dealing with cherished friends. Or I would be honored if you’d accept a gift of...”

Théo interrupted her with a wave of his hand. “I take no insult, for I know that you’re truly invested in our happiness in a way no one else can be, and that your offer is out of friendship rather than charity. As ever, I’m grateful and thank you. And as you know, your gifts are always welcome.” Her blush, which had retreated while they conversed about more practical matters, came back with even greater force. “But in this case there’s no need.”

She frowned. “But how can you... ?”

With a wry smile, he answered. “Elfi is a most effective practitioner of what some might term a barter system.”

There was a long pause before Éowyn could bring herself to respond, for she was remembering her most recent conversation with Théo’s sister. “Surely you don’t mean...”

He shrugged. “Certainly you’ve heard her repeatedly declare her sincere belief in unselfishness when it comes to her admittedly magnificent body.”

“But ... but then, when you were purchasing a horse, were you... ?”

Théo shuddered. “I was purchasing a horse. The stable master is a wrinkled old man who reeks of oats.” Éowyn exploded with laughter, for she knew him well. He continued. “Even Elfi isn’t that unselfish, despite a lot of unnecessary leaning over to let him ogle her breasts, and I certainly wasn’t going to offer.”

“But Théo,” she repeated, “are you okay with ... with... ?”

“The day of our union, while approaching at last, is still unknown, and there’s not yet any demand for a break in our normalcy. I’m more than happy for her to give and receive the pleasure she needs, and in fact this is a rare case when it is to our mutual benefit, for the sexual tension between us is nearly unbearable otherwise. There may not be any actual contact involved, for many times the sight of her body is enticement enough. I don’t know, and I don’t really want to know. But if she doesn’t wish to do something, surely you know her well enough to know she won’t.”

“I suppose, but...”

“I’m surprised you of all people need this reminder: when Elfi says that she loves sex, she really, really means it. In fact, I believe she means it more with each passing day and every new experience. Between us, I think she may be insatiable.”

Éowyn suppressed a cringe. For does this not apply just as much to me? “But how does this make you feel? Tell me the truth, Théo.”

“When it seemed that we might never be together, I was perpetually conflicted about it. Sex made her so happy, especially when almost all else in her life was sorrow or concealment. As you know it was different for me, and I despaired of ever finding true contentment from physical pleasure. Only with you was it worth the emotions that arose, especially in the aftermath.” Éowyn forcefully hugged him, tears threatening to well. He embraces what I find so difficult to find within myself. He loves Elfi not one breath the less for what she has done. Yet when I contemplate such a future, I can only fear love withheld. I can only see loss and heartbreak.

“I understand her better, now ... but more importantly, I understand myself. I believed myself jealous of her partners for ‘stealing’ what I wanted but couldn’t have. I feared that her happiness was being taken away from me and given to someone else, one partner at a time.” Éowyn bit her lip to the point of pain at hearing her own anxieties spoken back to her in this way. “Or, as she’s probably told you, occasionally more than one partner at a time,” he continued with a mild smile. “As if her happiness was mine to possess and selfishly hoard for a future that we weren’t sure could ever be. I also harbored a private but escalating resentment that I couldn’t find similar contentment while entwined with another. Worst of all, perhaps, she never seemed even slightly jealous of my liaisons — in fact, she relentlessly encouraged them, to my perpetual annoyance — and in the dark silence of many lonely nights I gnawed on that disparity, wondering if that meant she cared less than I hoped.”

“For a time, we lost ourselves in the trauma of our father’s illness and passing. Especially coming so soon after our mother’s, there was neither time nor place for recrimination and doubt, for our fear for the future was all too real and immediate. We comforted each other as we could, but usually it wasn’t enough ... and then, eventually, bound up with conflict and emotion over the possibilities that would open to us if the worst happened, it became too much to face. She once again sought and found solace in the arms of others, and this time so did I. In a sense, we were equal at last.”

“As I’m sure she told you, we lived apart for a while, reuniting only just before our father’s passing and when matters at our homestead were settled enough to contemplate leaving once and for all. I saw, then, that her encounters no longer quite brought her the happiness they once had. I thought I’d feel comforted, but instead this troubled me more than I’d expected. When we were at last able to absorb our sorrow and contemplate the reality of a life together, the light finally came back into her eyes and I saw a different Elfi. No, that’s wrong: I finally saw Elfi as she truly was.”

“I believe, without reservation and to the very core of my soul, that she will not only give me everything, but that for her, ‘everything’ is an intensity of love and passion that I can’t even begin to comprehend. There’s nothing she could ever withhold from me, and there never will be. Not her heart, not her mind, not her body, and not even her life. I feel the same for her and always have, but she seems to have so much more of everything to give.”

“If I asked her to remain celibate until the wedding, she would. She would do anything, everything, or even nothing to ensure our happiness. I would as well, though I’d be giving up far less than her. But to ask this of her would be a mistake. My error wasn’t just failing to see this earlier, it was failing to understand that the same freedom that allows her to share herself with others and without reservation enables her to give all of herself to me. No matter what our future brings, no one will ever benefit from that sharing as much as I will.”

Éowyn contemplated this. “It seems, then, that you’ve already answered the question I posed the last time I saw you.”

“I have. To tell the truth, I’d decided even before we came to you. Assuming she still wishes it — and I think I can safely say she does — we will, if opportunities arise, welcome others to our bed. That is to say, I’ll encourage Elfi to continue to satisfy her urges with or without me. For one thing, I suspect that if I’m her only partner I might perish from exhaustion.” They laughed together, for it was more than likely true. “And contrary to my earlier reticence, I think even I will remain open to possibilities, though about that I’m less certain. That said, and though there’s no way to know for sure, I don’t foresee that we’ll ever participate in such dalliances together ... save with one beloved friend who will be forever welcome.”

She smiled, feeling a twinge of arousal shaded with guilt at the invitation, for in her ideal world she’d extend the same invitation to them. “But then why do you keep this decision from her?”

“I don’t wish her to know, yet. I...” An embarrassed yet sly look came over his face. “I wish to make a ... a sort of a game of the decision. Perhaps one could even call it a gift.”

Éowyn’s eyes twinkled. “It seems that our lives quite often revolve around such ‘gifts.’”

He grinned in return. “I won’t deny it. They’ve been mighty gifts, have they not?”

“They’ve been naughty gifts.”

He assented, feeling a faint flush and trying to suppress the stirring in his trousers.

“Nay, but you say truly. Still ... Théo, if you’d already decided, yet took so very many words to say so...” He smiled, for her jibe struck true. “I suspect you’re actually avoiding something else you wish to say.”

He nodded, hesitant. “I ... I need a specific sort of help with this ‘gift,’ as we’re apparently now calling it, and there’s no one else I trust enough to ask. Nor is there anyone else I know who’s qualified to help.”

Éowyn blushed as a thrill shot through her loins, for the implication was obvious. “Help?”

Suddenly red-faced, he couldn’t quite look her in the eyes. “Yes.”

She was overwhelmed with curiosity. “What are you ... I mean, what can I... ?”

“I need advice. Ideas. I may even need trustworthy coconspirators. But mostly, I desire the opinion of a woman who is — if she’ll forgive my impertinence — more like Elfi than anyone I know.”

Well, that’s true enough.

“Théo, you’re not asking me to...”

“ ... be an object of these plans? No, for they revolve entirely around Elfi.” He looked even more serious than before. “What the three of us have shared is extremely special to both of us. No matter what the future brings, I wouldn’t wish to damage that by reducing you to some ancillary role.”

“Thank you, but of course you’re right and I agree: Elfi should be the star of your mysterious theatrics. But I’m still not clear on what you wish of me.”

“You can offer ... that is, I believe you know ... uh, you have certain skill ... experi ... what I mean is...” His clarification foundered and was lost under a tidal wave of self-recrimination, for he suddenly realized that it sounded as if he was labeling her a wanton.

Her entire body flushed. “You have questions of a sexual nature, and you believe me an expert.”

His head dropped, shame engraved upon his face. It was all the affirmation she was going to receive.

She stood and paced for a time, conflicted. His question was earnest, even complimentary — though from another source it might indeed have been insulting — and she couldn’t decide which interpretation bothered her more. Of course, he would have no way of knowing the extent of my emotional turmoil. All he would know is what we’ve shared, and from that perspective...

“Théo,” she began, “I’ve shared certain confidences with you, and even more with your sister, but I’ve not shared many ... and certainly not most ... with anyone. Yet I’m compelled by the trust you offer me to reveal one now. I have...” She paused, struggling against the instinctive desire to hide her innermost thoughts, but through sheer force of will pressed forward. “I have indeed experienced more than is likely normal in the surprisingly short time since my sexual horizons were expanded.” Or taken from me. “And what I’ve not experienced, my dreams have supplied, for the most fevered among them have a disturbing tendency to prove both prophetic and educational. I have no explanation for this, save that I fear both are beyond my control. That said, I must also tell you that I’m more than occasionally beset by trauma regarding fantasy, reality, and the lines between them.”

He was looking at her with pained sympathy, and seemed about to retract his request. Holding up her hand to compel his silence, she continued. “There is much that I’ve done, yet there’s much more that I still wish to do. Still, if you’ll pardon me for saying so, it’s almost certain that your sister has had more partners, and it’s also possible that she’s actually done more than I have. Despite what I would term a mystifyingly decadent few months since my fairly recent loss of ... well, ‘innocence,’ though I never cared for the term ... I’ve also been consumed by the demands of wars both external and internal, and only recently have I enjoyed the freedom of even momentary peace.” She took a breath, forcing herself to relax as her words and the self-recrimination within them piled upon themselves. “The point is: I’ll offer what I can, if I can, but don’t assume I know what you wish to know. What I know, I know well. What I don’t...” She shrugged.

Théo struggled to respond, for he was having a difficult time dealing with her sudden vehemence in the face of what he’d thought a fairly innocuous, even enjoyable proposition. He felt an urgent need to comfort her, yet somehow knew blind sympathy wasn’t quite the right response. There was a pregnant tension in her words, and he wasn’t yet certain how to proceed.

Éowyn saved him with an abrupt change of subject. “Théo ... you deserve to know something else. When we were first together, I wasn’t ... I mean, I had...”

“You weren’t an untouched virgin. I know. Neither was I.”

“Don’t mistake me: I was in the specific way one usually means. You were the first man to ... to have that pleasure, and I am forever grateful that it was you, for pleasure it was indeed. But I had...”

He stopped her with a gesture identical to her own. “You need explain no more. I remember that your confidence wasn’t to be expected from someone truly unacquainted with sex. I didn’t quite grasp it then, perhaps, as overwhelmed by the moment as I was, but with more experience it seems obvious.” Reaching out for her hand, he continued. “Neither apologize nor feel guilt. As you say: in a literal sense, you were truthful. In that very same sense, so was I. For, like you, I had already lain with others in many ways. Just not that one. Whatever the context, please know this: it was an unforgettable evening, I too am eternally grateful that my first experience was with you, and I don’t exaggerate when I say that it changed my life. I also admit, with far more confidence than I could manage the last time I said so, that I’ve loved you ever since.”

She gripped his hand more tightly. “You know that I love you too. Both of you. I know I said it many times the other day, but I don’t say it often or easily. It wasn’t all that long ago that I wasn’t sure if I was even capable of love.”

“I understand, for the word as we’re using it has only come to my own lips in the presence of you and Elfi.”

“And so...” She pulled away, resuming her agitated pacing. “I apologize for unburdening myself to you in this fashion, especially as it was you who came to me for advice. But what you ask, and in fact everything you represent to me, strikes to the core of my troubles. For I’m in difficulty, Théo. Great difficulty. You look to your future and see only happiness and the fulfillment of all your desires. I look to mine and fear that I must choose between one or the other, with the most likely outcome that I shall be denied both.”

He remained silent, deeming it best to let her continue at her own pace.

“In very little time at all compared to the course of a life, unless fate aligns against me in an pointedly cruel way, I too will be married to someone I love above all others. I face some of the same choices and decisions you do, except that mine are much narrower and more constrained, for ... for...” She took a deep breath. “For much of what you know about me — both what I’ve said and what I’ve done, including what we have done — is not something of which my future husband is aware.”

Understanding broke as a swift and terrible dawn over storm-tortured mountains.

“Wait ... so, he doesn’t... ? But I would’ve thought... oh! Oh, Éowyn, I’m so sorry. We’re so terribly sorry. If either of us had known, we never would have come to you and...”

She pressed a finger against his lips, quelling further protest. “Stop. Please, don’t. Not you. Not ever. Everything that happened, I wanted to happen. I would welcome it again, for it was a beautiful experience. The whole next day I spent wishing you would return, barely restraining the urge to seek you in all the corners of the city. Yesterday was the same, but worse. If you hadn’t come today...”

“But this changes everything!”

“It changes nothing. My dilemma is identical no matter what we have done or might do in the future.” There was a long silence. Théo shifted uncomfortably in his seat, all memory of the question that had led them to this juncture gone.

“Théo, what you say about Elfi — who she really is, your more complex understanding of her needs, what the future is certain to bring — also applies to me, as you may recall suggesting a few minutes ago. Perhaps even more so. Yet I cannot act as she does without consequence. In fact I’ve never been able to, and yet I’ve acted anyway, and indeed there has always been consequence. I don’t know if my desires are normal and I’m unusually weak, or if my strength would be sufficient did I not suffer from some severe personal abnormality. I admit that I suspect the latter ... though I sometimes wonder if that’s just a way to excuse my actions ... but I do know that whatever the threshold of resistance, I’m ultimately incapable of heeding it. I’m...” Her shoulders slumped, defeated. “Well, your word was ‘insatiable,’ was it not? It sounds exciting enough, and it is in the heat of a moment, but the rest of the time— at least for me — it’s anything but.”

“I’ve tried, since leaving Gondor, to find a way to belong solely to Faramir, as I must believe he wishes and expects. I’m desperate to share his wish. But though I’ve striven and hoped and clung, I’ve failed in gradual but seemingly inevitable stages, and so despite all my efforts I must confront the brutal truth I’ve feared all along: I do not, and thus I cannot. In the first headlong rush of love, when our union seemed perfect and failure seemed impossible, I thought that I could. And maybe were he here, I would still think so, though I doubt even that belief would hold forever. But now...”

Théo took a deep breath. “You can’t imagine how sorry I am to have contributed to your pain. I’m sure that were Elfi here, she would say the same.”

“You’ve done nothing but ease my suffering, for you’ve enveloped it with love. My failure predated your arrival and will continue after you leave; I’d much rather it be with you than someone undeserving. I have ... well, I suppose there’s no point in modesty with someone who’s spent his seed in my every orifice, is there? I’ve passed a truly inordinate amount of time self-pleasuring, some of it entirely prosaic and some of it in frankly outrageous ways and situations. I wouldn’t consider imagining others while I do so as inherently wrong, except that these thoughts fit neatly into the narrative of failure I’m building when I’m not alone. I’ve deliberately placed myself in dangerously tempting situations, extracting myself only by headlong flight ... or, worse, by the wiser restraint of others. I’ve willingly done things I once dreamed I would only do unwillingly. I’ve withheld but I’ve also succumbed, and know that I’ll do more of the latter than the former as time goes on.”

“With you, it’s true, several final barriers have fallen ... but you’ve only hastened that moment, not brought it about. And I repeat that I’m grateful this happened with you rather than anyone else, for what we share is beyond mere sex. But this all rather misses the point. Orgiastic sex, limited sex, solitaire sex, no sex ... whatever my body has or hasn’t done, whatever it will or won’t do, I’ve been ‘unfaithful’ nearly every waking moment, and perhaps even more often in my dreams. And that, I now know, is and will be the permanent state of things.”

“Though it seems strange to say after what I’ve just admitted, I don’t question my love for Faramir. I never have. I love him more deeply and truly than any other in Middle-earth. With this simple fact I can find no debate, within or without, and it’s this that allows me to cling to a most desperate and unlikely hope for our future. I would be with him until the end of our days, and even beyond should that be the hidden fate of Man. But I am who I am, fallen and broken, and cannot see how I can be otherwise. I would openly make the choice you and Elfi have made, save that I fear it would destroy him. I can continue as I have and conceal everything, dishonoring our love with every word and action. Or I can keep trying to find the strength to be other than I am, destroying myself in a fruitless effort to save myself.”

She didn’t weep, for she knew she lacked the strength to stop once she’d started. Yet, somehow, she seemed enveloped in tears. Théo’s heart broke for her.

“So: as you can see, all my choices are without hope.”

“Would he not... ?”

“ ... he would not. I haven’t asked, but I know. As you intend to live, he will never live. Not by choice. When we’re together, I will be all he ever needs or desires. In fact, I already am. It’s one of the many reasons I love him, which is why I bleed knowing that I will fail his love, over and over again.”

Théo was silent for a long time before answering. “Éowyn, I truly am sorry. I wish I could separate you from your pain by word or deed, but I have absolutely no idea how I could help, save offer unreserved comfort. Which I do.”

“Nor do I, so you shouldn’t feel helpless. In truth, you’re less useless than me, for comfort is indeed something you offer, while all I can manage is despair. But I need to know that you believe two things. The first is that I regret nothing that’s happened between us, in the past or this very week, for despite my guilt that will never change. The second is that, of all the experiences that I’ve ever had, with anyone, what I’ve shared with you and Elfi has meant more than each and every one ... save only those that I’ve shared with Faramir.”

He was moved by her words, yet struggled to find anything more useful to say. After another uncomfortable silence, she sighed.

“This unexpected and likely unwelcome unburdening has, I suspect, been a way to assuage yet another measure of personal guilt, for in fact I immediately experienced great eagerness to aid in your purposes. For the two of you I would do anything, and perhaps I do believe myself equipped to advise you. But if I’m to help plan exciting sexual diversions for your true love, you may need to be prepared for frustrated emotional reactions from me. For you ask for the adornment of a foundation upon which I can never build without consequence.”

At this, a deeper understanding dawned within Théo, and on its heels followed insight. “Éowyn, my love...” Her attention was abruptly captured by his choice of words, for his declaration cut through the shroud of misery with which she’d surrounded herself, and she stared at him through uncharacteristically vulnerable eyes. “Listen to me. I take after my father; the least insightful of our family, understanding livestock, woodcraft, and the cycles of grains better than the mysteries of the human heart. Those skills were given to my mother, and now belong to Elfi’s study. Well ... the heart and other organs.”

Despite herself, Éowyn smiled.

“Having barely possessed sufficient fortitude to deal with my own troubles, and having more often than not turned inward for protection and emotional safety, I readily admit that don’t know all that much about how others have lived or are trying to live. I pursued as much education as I could given our situation, but despite my near-constant bafflement at the mysterious world around me ... no doubt exacerbated by being surrounded by exceptional yet unpredictable women like Elfi, my mother, and now you ... I harbor no shame regarding what I know and what I don’t. I do know that I still have a lot to learn about people, and intend that to be the work of a lifetime. But one thing about which I am absolutely sure — and I have Elfi’s limitless love to thank for this understanding — is that no matter how I’ve failed and how I will fail again, I’m a good man. No matter what may come, no matter what I might learn, that’s enough of a foundation for me. And Éowyn, I know this as well: you’re a good woman. To the core. I couldn’t love you if you weren’t. Nor could Elfi.”

“I don’t know how to help you reconcile your desires with your love for Faramir. I don’t know what your future holds. What I do know is whatever you choose, you will be whole. You’ll find a way to be loved and satisfied in all the ways you wish. For however you’ve arrived at this point, and wherever you’re going from here, you are who you are, and only if you’re true to yourself can your life turn out as fate foretells.”

Though she was moved by his belief, she shook her head. “It cannot be so. I am irreconcilable.”

He stood and held her face between his hands. “It can. Elfi and I are the proof of it. Believe. You will find both what you need and what you love ... and you may even find that they’re the same.”

She squeezed her eyelids closed, conflicted and afraid. He means well, and I’m desperate to believe him, but...

Wrapping his hands in hers for a moment, she backed away and lowered herself into a nearby chair, changing the subject with grim determination. “So ... let us return to these lurid plans for the defilement of your beloved sister.” Smirking, she added, “I am sure a woman of my sensitive constitution and sheltered upbringing is going to be aghast at your perversity.”

“ ... you want her to what? With ... while you... ? Théo, that’s so...” She felt an uncontrollable tingle in her loins as images rolled through her mind and then coursed distinctly lower. “That’s so dirty.”

He mumbled incoherently for a moment, his face a very deep shade of red. Then: “but will you help me?”

Éowyn broke into a wicked grin. “The stars frown upon me, but yes. Absolutely! I am, I admit, both somewhat fearful for and a little jealous of poor Elfi. The things you suggest...”