I wasn’t born this way, far from it, I didn’t even become this way by accident or illness, I chose to be this way, or, to put it another way, I got this way as a victim of circumstance. I’ve been accused of being a pretender by several people recently so, I feel it’s time to set the record straight.

I was born on 21st February 1985, my life was normal, did all the normal kid things, got all the normal kids illnesses, had all the normal knocks, grazes and bumps. Everything changed a few months after my 8th birthday. My uncle went through a hard divorce, lost his job and generally felt sorry for himself and tried to take his own life. We lived in quite a large house, as it was just my parents, my younger sister and myself, we had a few spare rooms, so my Dad decided to let him live with us until he sorted himself out. Id always been very close to my uncle, looking back now probably unhealthily so, so I was happy about this.

That all changed one night, My parents had gone away for the weekend and left us with my uncle, we had a fun night, ate pizza from the take away and watched videos, not long after I went to bed I heard my uncle coming upstairs, thought nothing of it, heard him go in to check on my younger sister, then my bedroom door opened, I pretended to be asleep as it was late and I though I’d get in trouble. I heard the door shut, so I rolled over, threw the duvet off and opened my eyes and saw my uncle still there looking at me. At first I was embarrassed, as it was middle of summer and very warm and sticky I’d gone to bed just wearing a pair of knickers, so I grabbed my duvet and pulled it over me, but I then noticed he was smiling at me. It was then, despite my age, I realised something wasn’t right.

He took the duvet off me, put his finger on his mouth and whispered ‘Shhh, it will be alright’.

He then undressed and got into bed with me, he started stroking my hair, then kissing me, first my cheek, then full on the lips, I hated it. He then stroked my chest working his way down until he reached my pants. Then the worst bit of all happened, he started kissing me harder, even putting his tongue in my mouth, then, he put his hand into my pants, and he put a finger in me. It was all I could do to stop myself from crying.

It lasted about 10 minutes though it seemed longer, after that he got dressed, told me it was our little secret and I was his special little girl, he then kissed me on the forehead and left my room.

Next morning it was as though nothing had happened, he made us breakfast, bacon and eggs on toast, Mum and Dad got home after lunch and everything was fine. In fact nothing happened again for months, I though it must have been a one off, or maybe I’d even dreamed it. Then, just before Christmas, my Nan was taken ill, my Dad took my Mum too see her, so again we were left with our uncle. Everything was fine the first night, 2nd day we went Christmas shopping and to TGI Fridays for dinner, it was a good day. We then went down Oxford St. too see the lights, got home very late and went straight to bed. Later that night I was woken by something stroking my face, it was him, he smelt like he’d been drinking. He then got undressed, pulled my trousers and pants off and had sex with me, it hurt so much I cried, he told me not to be so stupid, that I wasn’t a little girl anymore. He then finished off and fell asleep.

Next morning he was gone, I went downstairs and he had breakfast already, again like nothing happened. Dad came home later, sat me on his lap and told me Nana had died, and that Mum was staying with Granddad for a bit to sort him out. We went to the funeral a few days later, after that things got worse, my uncle started coming into my room regularly. One night I was about 10 or 11 by then I tried to push him away, he just tied my arms to the bed.

He must have been a bit rougher that night, Mum found blood on my sheets the next day, assumed my periods had started, I got a long talk about them, I was too ashamed too tell her.

A week or so later, Mum and Dad went out for the evening, I went to bed early, told everyone I was tired and not feeling well, even turned down Ice cream! He came up not long after I went to bed, I think my sister was in bed, he started kissing me, took my top off, my boobs had started to develop by now, he started playing with them. Then he whispered in my ear how much he enjoyed tying my arms up last time. He then produced some belts, he tied my hands to the bed, then took my shorts and pants off, put my feet up by my bottom and put the belts round my feet and thighs to hold them there. He started kissing my thighs, then my vagina, then had sex with me again, I cried all the way through. He left me tied up after for ages.

This went on regularly, he’d have sex with me even with my parents in the house, I became very quiet and introvert, my parents took me to the Dr. she said it was just teenage hormones running riot, normal for a lot of girls through puberty, and it was nothing to worry about.

I started senior school a few weeks later, my uncle also got promoted at work, so the abuse stopped for a while. I came out myself, became very popular with everyone at school, especially boys, I was well developed for my age. I had my first kiss just after my 12th birthday with an older boy, I even let him finger me, I just though it was normal, I didn’t know any different. It wasn’t long before I had sex with him, and then other boys, I seemed to be quite good at it, I was VERY popular at school, plus I looked a lot older so I got into pubs and clubs. My lowest point was just before my 13th birthday I had sex behind a pub with a 26 year old guy, I cried for hours after, I decided I needed to sort my life out, I’d already had sex with about 12 men/boys.

Not long after this we went on holiday to Spain and he came with us. I knew he was watching me when I was wearing my bikini but it didn’t bother me, I’m not saying I liked it, but it didn’t bother me, Id started to sort my life out, wasn’t being so promiscuous, it was good.

Then it happened again, one night on holiday my parents went out, sister was in bed, she was now 10, I don’t know if it happened to her, I could never bring myself to ask, I was scared in case he was and of admitting he’d was doing it to me. Anyway, not long after they went out he came in my room, got undressed, undressed me, looked between my legs and then at my chest, told me how much Id matured since last time he’d seen me like this, he then pushed my feet upto my buttocks, I tried to stop him, I couldn’t, he was much stronger, he put the belt round my thigh, did the same to the other side, this time though, instead of tying my arms to the bed he pushed my hands upto my shoulders and tied them there, said he could move me round more. He then made me give him oral sex, I was nearly sick. Then he had sex with me. First just normally, then he stopped, rolled me over, put me on my knees and started having sex with me again, my face was in the pillow, I tried to get up on my elbows but I couldn’t. Afterwards he untied me, dressed me and left.

A few weeks after we got back he announced he was moving in with his girlfriend, down in Brighton. I was so pleased I cried myself to sleep that night, glad that if he didn’t come in over the next 2 weeks it would finally be over. I though about telling my parents but it would have destroyed my dad, they were like best friends, not just brothers. It was a secret I decided never to tell. The day he moved to Brighton came, I woke up early that day, helped him pack, kissed him goodbye, watched him leave from the doorstep, relieved.

Over the coming weeks Mum became more and more tired, she went to see the Dr., and was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, if you don’t know what that is look it up on the net, it will take too long to explain here. He’d now be gone almost 3 months. Because Mum was ill my 14th birthday came and went almost unnoticed, I went out with a few friends and got money and underwear from my parents, He also sent me underwear, a skimpy, black, lace, thong, I binned it. The week after I was at school and managed to break my right arm in 2 places, spent a night in the local hospital and 6 weeks in plaster. Being right handed I was pretty much useless, had to have a lot done for me. During this time though I discovered something very important, something that will make this story, and why I’m telling it to you make sense. I found out that I enjoyed not being able to do things for myself, I was turned on by not being able to use my arm, this scared me but intrigued me.

6 weeks flew past, I went to the orthopaedic clinic to have the cast taken off, while sitting in the waiting a girl about the same age as me came in on crutches, I looked down and noticed her left leg was missing about mid-thigh, I was in awe, I couldn’t take my eyes of her. She was wearing jeans with the leg pinned up, it showed her stump very well. She nervously crutched across the room and sat down, she was obviously a recent amputee. I watched her the whole time she was there, It was then I realised I wanted to be like her, only I wanted more amputated, it was a strange revelation.

When I got home I tried to think of as many ways as I could to pretend to be an amputee, remembering the way he used to strap my limbs up I used belts to strap up one or both legs then Id put a skirt or tracksuit trousers on, sometimes I’d do an arm aswell or instead, though as much as I tried I couldn’t find a way to do both arms, anyway I had fun but it wasn’t very satisfactory. I tried to do as much as possible, using my mouth, drinking, opening doors, typing with a rod in my mouth, I got very good.

Mum’s condition didn’t seem to be improving by the time the summer holidays started, despite the treatment she couldn’t cope with me and my sister, so it was decided that I’d spend summer with him. I tried everything to get out of it, I nearly told them but I couldn’t.

So I was sent to him.

His new girlfriend worked for some firm that meant she was out the country a lot, quite often for weeks on end, so I was alone with him a lot, not knowing anyone in Brighton I couldn’t go out much so the abuse soon started. One night he tied up all my limbs and made me spend the best part of a week like it, he made me wear tiny outfits, made me sunbathe in my bikini on his balcony, made me do everything like it, He did it a few times over the 6 weeks. I was horrified and upset that it was my uncle doing this to me but at the same time I enjoyed the pretending part.

I was, in some ways glad when the holidays were over but at the same time disappointed that there’d be no more pretending quite like that.

Couple of months after I got back I noticed I hadn’t had a period for a while, I got a pregnancy test and it came up positive, so I went to the Dr. for a blood test, that was positive too, I was gutted, I didn’t know what to do. Mum seemed to be getting better but I didn’t think she was strong enough for this. But after much thinking I decided to tell my parent’s, they’d find out I was pregnant anyway, it was just whether to tell them about him too, and how much. When it came to it, I told them everything except the tying up. Mum cried, a lot, I cried, Dad sat there quiet, then smashed a few things up, told me he didn’t believe me and stormed out. Mum cuddled me, told me to get a termination and then never discuss it again. 2 days later I got the termination, I went on my own, I cried as the slid the cold instruments between my legs, Dad still hadn’t come home. When he did a week later, it was never mentioned, my father and I never spoke, he couldn’t even look at me, Mum and I barely spoke, it was unbearable, my only release was pretending to be an amputee, I was finding better ways to do it and for longer.

Christmas was horrible, I got vouchers from my parents that was it. It was then I decided to leave home, so on January 4th I packed up as much as I could carry, left a note for them saying I loved them but I couldn’t live with them anymore, I got all my savings out, and got the first train North.

I ended up In Sheffield, I found a nice B&B to stay at, but money soon started to run out, so I started begging. Got a fair bit, but not enough, then one day I hit upon the idea if pretending I had no arms, I got loads of money, more than Id got the previous 2 weeks added together. So, partly for my own pleasure and partly to make money I pretended to be different types of amputee in different parts of the city, I made enough to eat, get a shower once a week and a bed-sit on really cold days, I was doing well, sort off. I managed to avoid the pimps, they all thought I could earn myself (and them!!) a mint, I was young, pretty if I pretended too I was onto a winner, but I resisted, though on the cold nights when I couldn’t afford a room, I smelt bad and was dirty I nearly took them up.

Through out this there was this one guy I saw every morning and evening outside Sheffield Mainline, he refused to give me money but always bought me coffee and breakfast, then a sandwich on his way home. On Friday’s he bought me something and chips. He was fairly young, about 22, good looking, obviously very rich, and he had a nice smile.

That nearly all fell apart one Saturday night, it was just after my 15th birthday, I’d been there just over a year. I was pretending to be a double leg amputee outside a bar and club complex, I was earning quite a bit. Couple of people said they felt sorry for me, a girl like me shouldn’t be on the streets, others offered me money to shag me as a girl like me would me different, I turned them all down, but they gave me money anyway. Then the guy from the station turned up, first of all he walked past, I tried to hide, obviously I couldn’t leave, there were people around, they’d know I’d been faking, beside I needed to take my tracksuit trousers off to get back to ‘normal’, normally I’d wait till no-one was around, or shuffle of to somewhere private on my hands. So I was stuck, then he came back, he came over with a hot dog and coffee, he was smiling, he handed them to me, then looked down and realised what I was doing, he was stunned, he looked disgusted and walked away.

I didn’t see him again for ages. So I gave up and moved to Leeds, new city, new places to pretend. It was almost Easter when this big sports car pulled up outside the station, it had been an unusually cold March and April, I was ill, a guy got out the car, and walked toward me carrying a blanket, flask and a paper bag. I was pretending to have no arms, they were both tucked into my jumper. It was the guy from the station, he was smiling, ‘I’ve been looking for you everywhere’, he said. I tried to answer but I coughed, a lot. He put the blanket round me, ‘Come with me, you’re sick, you shouldn’t be here’, he helped me up, and into the car, he poured soup out the flask for me, I started to get my arms out, ‘Don’t worry about that’ he said. He then fed me the soup and roll he’d bought me.

‘We’d better find you a Dr.’.

‘Thanks’, was all I could manage.

We drove for ages, he told me his name was Dan, that he owned a computer and a construction company, I told him my name was Natalie, not my real name but the one I’d decided to be called by. After about 90 minutes we turned into a luxury apartment block, he drove through the gate and down to the car park, he then helped me out the car, into the lift and into his apartment. It was amazing, wood floors throughout, Chinese rugs here and there, an amazing view, massive telly, ‘ Bathrooms through there’ he said pointing, ‘There’s a bedroom through there, help yourself to any of the clothes in there, hope they fit’.

I got undressed, stepped into the shower, it was better than the one back at home and that was good, this was amazing. I washed everywhere over and over until I felt clean, it struck me as odd that he had girls soap and shampoo but I didn’t care. I then wrapped myself in one of the big, thick blue towels and walked toward the bedroom, as came out he caught sight of me from the kitchen and asked if I wanted any dinner, I told him I did. Strangely, although I was standing in front of him in nothing but a towel, I felt comfortable. I went into the bedroom, found loads of clothes in a wardrobe, all my size, even underwear in a draw. I found a bra that was my size, there were a few different sizes, found some knickers that matched, then dressed in grey cotton trousers and a tight white sleeveless top, the apartment was nice and warm. When I walked into the living room, there was another, older man talking to Dan. He introduced himself as Dr. Watkins, Dan left the room and he examined me and asked me loads of questions. He told me I had a chest infection, gave me some antibiotics, told me to get Dan to call him if it hadn’t cleared up in a week.

After he left Dan came in with dinner, ‘Nice to see all your limbs’ he said smiling, I felt myself go red so I just smiled. ‘I guessed you were a blonde too, though I couldn’t tell under the dirt and hood’, I blushed more. We sat at the table and ate spaghetti bolognaise, I ate loads he offered seconds. He told me I was more than welcome to stay, and to treat the place as my own, I thanked him.

‘I hope I got the right sizes, it was a lot of guess work, I had no idea of the bra’s so I got a few different sizes, tell me which ones right I’ll get you some more’, he smiled after that, sort of embarrassed. ‘That’s OK’ I said, ‘ you don’t need to, I found one, I’ll get more soon, but thanks’.

‘I don’t mind, it would be a pleasure’.

‘I’m sure it would be!!! 34c then, thanks’.

After dinner I washed up, he argued but I told him I was doing it, it was only after I realised he had a dishwasher!!! We then sat on the sofa, I asked him why he was helping me, he told me he didn’t make a habit of it just he felt sorry for me, I looked more helpless than the others and more out of place, plus he thought I was too pretty for that and he was just drawn to me. I kissed him on the cheek and cuddled up to him, I felt totally comfortable for the first time in years. I told him I was only 15, he said that was OK if it was OK with me, he told me he was 23. I then told him most of what I just told you. He was shocked but just cuddled me, told me he knew some solicitors if I wanted anything done about it, I told him I didn’t want to, he then cuddled me more and I fell asleep shortly after.

I awoke the next day feeling completely refreshed, it was the best sleep Id had in over a year, I noticed I was wearing pyjama’s, I got worried at first, realised I was still wearing underwear, and I felt OK, but still got worried. I walked into the lounge, the sun was beaming through, I looked at the clock, it was 1.10pm. ‘You slept for 15 hours, hope you don’t mind me undressing you but you looked really uncomfortable sleeping in those clothes’.

‘Thanks’.

Breakfast was waffles with strawberry sauce, we spent the afternoon shopping for food and clothes, Dan was lovely. I was in love!

My 16th birthday came round, we had a huge party with all his friends and the few I’d made, he bought me a gold necklace and earrings with diamonds in, I looked good in them even if I was nervous about wearing them, he also paid for to get my navel pierced. I was so happy, in bliss even. Dan was a real gentlemen, never even mentioned sex. A week after my 16th he took me for dinner at a big restaurant in the country, when we got back I pushed him against the wall and started kissing him, he seemed a bit shocked at first but then got into it, he picked me up and I wrapped my legs round him, he carried me into the bedroom, I undressed myself then undressed him, he then asked me if this is what I wanted, and if I was sure. I told him I was. We made love for ages, it was nothing like when my uncle abused me, or when I had sex with those guys, this was amazing. We stayed together for the first time that night.

We cuddled the whole way through.

A few months on, life was great, I was using Dan’s computer to research colleges as I wanted to go back to school, when I found a file just marked ‘D’, I opened it and found hundreds of pictures of amputees, at first I was shocked, but then got turned on, I still pretended occasionally but not as much as I did. While Dan was still at work I went to the chemist and bought some bandages, I then tied up both my legs and one arm, I wanted to do both but I couldn’t. When Dan came in I told him I was in the bedroom, he acted shocked to begin with, asked me what I was doing, I told him about the pictures I’d seen and that I didn’t mind, and that I liked it, in fact I didn’t just like pretending to be an amputee I wanted to be an amputee, well at that he got undressed, ‘amputated’ my other arm and we had amazing sex, over and over again, I stayed like that all night, he even took the next day off and I stayed like it the next day.

After that we made it a regular thing, I spent longer like it each time. He bought a wheelchair for me so we could go out, even bought specially adapted clothing for me so I looked real. He took me to a country cottage in Scotland where I spent the entire fortnight as a quad amputee, we even stopped on the motorway on the way to ‘amputate’ my limbs just so no-one in the village knew any different. Every where we went people said ‘you poor thing,’. Then would ask Dan what happened to me, we told them Id been in car accident when I was 8, when we got back to the cottage my knickers were always soaked as I was so turned on by it.

Just before the end of the holiday, Dan cooked dinner, we sat down, he fed me, then said ‘we need to talk’.

I got worried at this point, normally that’s not good. ‘What about’? I asked, hesitantly.

‘Oh, sorry, nothing to worry about’, I breathed a sigh of relief, ‘its just, have you enjoyed the last 2 weeks’?

‘Yes, off course’ I replied ‘I mean as an amputee’? He looked nervous.

‘Yes, I loved every minute of it, you know I always do’. I smiled at him ‘OK, here we go’, he took a deep breath ‘ Don’t freak out or anything, I’ll only ask this once, if you say no, that’s fine, I’ll never mention it again, it won’t change anything, OK’?

‘Yes’ I replied ‘I’ve been doing some research into it, and well I’ve found a guy in Switzerland that can do it, and I don’t mind the cost and it will be in confidence and I’ll look after you and get a nurse if you want and... ‘ ‘What are you talking about’? I interrupted.

‘Would you like to become an amputee, permanently’?

‘Yes’, I replied without a second thought, ‘I’d love to’.

‘Really, are you sure, don’t you want time to think about it, this is a life altering decision, you have to be sure’.

‘I am, very, never been so sure about anything since leaving home, and that was the right decision’.

‘True. You can have any level you want, we can discuss the details when we get home, this is going to be great’ he said excitedly.

He leaned over and gave me a big kiss, ‘Dessert?’ he said suddenly.

He walked back in carrying a big bowl, ‘DAE, mid-thigh DAK’ I said.

‘Sorry’ he replied.

‘I want to be a DAE, mid-thigh DAK amputee, a quad amputee, OK??

‘OK, forget dessert’ he said as he picked me up and took me to the bedroom, both of us so happy, ‘We’ll discuss that with the Dr. next week’.

‘Next week?’ I asked.

‘Yes, we’re going skiing’. He winked.

I couldn’t wait until the next week, those 7 days felt the slowest in my life, finally the day came to fly to Switzerland. We boarded the plane at Manchester early in the morning, it was October and was still dark. When we arrived at Zurich it was covered in snow. We got a taxi to the hotel, Dan told me we had an appointment with the Dr. first thing in the morning. I gave him a kiss and cuddled upto him for the journey to the hotel.

The hotel was a huge country place, secluded and private, as soon as we got to the room, we got changed and went down to the restaurant. We had a lovely dinner, after, we went upstairs, I wanted to get Dan to ‘amputate’ my limbs, but he said no as we had an early start and we needed to discuss what I wanted from this and our cover story. ‘Cover story?’ I asked.

‘Well yes, we can’t very well go home with you having no limbs without some sort of story, I wanted them amputated won’t work’. He said sarcastically ‘True, hadn’t thought of that. Any ideas?’ ‘What about a skiing accident, it’s going to be done here in Switzerland, they do a lot of skiing here so why not. It’s believable.

‘Sounds good to me, can’t think of anything better’.

‘OK, how about this, I was at a meeting so you went of skiing on your own. You wanted a bit of excitement so you went of piste. You had an accident and was unable to get help. When we found you 3 days later, you’d broken both your arms in 3 places, dislocated both your shoulders and got severe frostbite in all your limbs, there was no choice but to amputate. You were in ICU for 2 weeks, before you came round, we thought you were going to die. How’s that?’ ‘You’ve thought about this already, haven’t you?’ ‘Might have’, Dan replied then laughed.

‘OK, so that’s our story, yes?’ ‘Yes, now, exactly what type of amputee do you want to be?’ ‘What would you like me to be?’ I said, I raised an eyebrow and rubbed his leg.

‘A complete quad, DSD, DHD, no stumps’ ‘But don’t you think stumps are sexy?’ ‘Yes, but no stumps are better, what do you want?’ ‘I told you, DAE, DAK, with nice smooth rounded stumps to stroke you with’.

The conversation went on for a while, we eventually decided on a compromise. I’d become a DSD with short leg stumps, though I very nearly decided to become a DHD aswell when he pointed out that having no leg stumps at all to get in the way would mean great sex. I pointed out that I could always have them amputated at a later date. I didn’t sleep much that night, I was far too excited.

The next morning we got up when it was still dark, I showered, made sure I had matching underwear on ( it’s a girl thing!! ), Dan had breakfast brought up to the room. Just before 7 we got a taxi to see the Dr. We pulled up to this big, imposing building, with a long gravel drive, looked like a stately home. I won’t tell you exactly where or the Dr.’s name to preserve his and our confidence.

‘He sees his private clients from home’ Dan said.

We walked into a huge hallway, with a big curved staircase and a huge crystal chandelier, an elderly gentleman let us in, and showed us into the lounge, ‘The Dr. will be with you shortly’, he said in broken English. Dan said something to him in Swiss, I’ve no idea what but the man laughed and then walked off.

A short while later a young woman walked in, no more that 19, blonde and gorgeous, Dan was obviously impressed, I slapped his knee.

‘Dr. will see you now’ with only a hint of an accent.

We walked through a big, heavy wooden door into his surgery. It looked like an average Dr.’s room, clean, sterile, a couch along one wall, a desk against another, a curtain round the couch. A guy greeted us as we walked in, he was mid-forties but still good looking in a sort of rugged, George Clooney way, almost sexy, My Mum would have loved him.

He sat in front of us with a pad of forms. ‘Well lets get straight to the point, Dan here tells me that you want to become an amputee, correct’ he said in perfect, unbroken English.

‘DSD and DAK with short stumps, just long enough to be able to use prosthetics’. I replied He then asked why I wanted to be an amputee, especially one this severe, I replied with a long winded diatribe into how I’d always felt incomplete with limbs, and how I needed this for my mental health, he seemed to buy it too.

‘How old are you’? He asked.

‘21’ I lied.

He wrote 21 on the form, ‘And really, be honest’.

‘16’, I said quietly, ‘17 in February’.

‘Wow, that’s very young, you realise you’ll spend 60 years like this, if not longer’.

‘I know’ I said assuredly.

‘OK’. He then asked about our cover story, we told him, he liked it. He then asked me to get undressed down to my underwear, he needed to examine me, and take photos. After he looked at me, he put some marks with a pen on my legs, ‘This is as high as we can go if you want to be able to use prosthetics, but you’ll have to exercise a lot to make sure the muscles in the remaining limb are strong enough. Your stumps should be about 12-13cm long stumps, OK?’ ‘Great’ I smiled.

OK, We’ll book you in for early December, how does the 6th sound?’ ‘Fine’, Dan and I said in unison. ‘See you then’.

Dan shook hands with the Dr., as he went to shake my hand he said, ‘Just make sure you’re positive this is what you want, once we’ve done it there’s no going back, once they’re off, they’re off, no putting them back on, you understand that, right?’ ‘Yes, completely.’ ‘OK, but you can change your mind, anytime right up to starting the op, OK?’ ‘OK, thanks, bye’.

We left the house, got into the taxi and headed back to the hotel, snow was falling heavily.

There wasn’t much conversation on the journey, we just held hands. We had a lovely evening, we went out to restaurant, on the way back Dan took me into a secluded park and we had sex in the snow, an experience I can tell you that, while good and different, is not one I’d like to experience again, I was so cold, I couldn’t feel my hands and feet for ages after we got back to our room. That night Dan asked me to ‘amputate’ his limbs so he could feel what it’s like, I obliged, we had fun, though I was kind of jealous. Next Morning we flew back to Manchester, it was raining, as usual. There was a pile up on the M62, so it took ages. I jokingly suggested that instead of spending that much money we could stage an accident, Don’t think he appreciated it, ‘I can afford it’, he snapped.