Chapter 20: What Mama Wouldn’t Do

Friday, August 20, 1982

3:15am

My phone rang. I couldn’t remember a time that it’d rung this late (early?) since we’d put it in. Hopefully it wouldn’t wake the parents.

It woke Angie, who accidentally — I’m certain it was an accident — elbowed me in the ribs, shifting. I managed to lunge for the phone and get it before it went to the answering machine.

“Hello?”

Silence. Long enough that I nearly hung up, but I remembered another phone call that’d mattered, and a wrong number caller would’ve already hung up.

“S ... Steve?” Her voice was soft and weak. Images of Candice hit me, but she didn’t sound wrong. Hopefully she wasn’t.

“Jasmine.”

“I ... I’m s ... sorry. I shouldn’t have called...”

“It’s okay. Of course, it’s okay.”

By now Angie was up and watching, of course.

“I ... d ... did you mean it?”

“That I love you, am in love with you, and am in love with only you? Yes.”

She sniffled, then cried. “I think ... I fucked up. I’m ... it’s ... it’s so confusing.”

“You haven’t done anything that can’t be fixed.”

“I’ve b ... been a bitch ... and ... I don’t know...”

“We’ll talk about it, okay?”

She sighed deeply, then was quiet for a couple of minutes, which felt like hours at this late/early time.

“We’ll talk about it. Mama said you would keep being at dinner and I couldn’t run away. She’s angry with me.”

“She’s concerned. So am I.”

“I ... um. Fine. I’m ... I’ll think. Tomorrow.”

“Will I see you at school?”

“N ... no. Not feeling up to it. I’d ... no.”

“Then ... tomorrow night.”

“I...” She fell silent for almost too long. “Tomorrow night.” Then she hung up.

“What?” Angie said.

“She’s ... I guess ... ready to talk. Or ... right now she is.”

“I’m almost surprised you’re not tearing over there.”

“It’d be a mistake. I know that. I have to let things play out.”

She nodded. “You do. Relationships shouldn’t be all about power, but it’s always a bit of a factor, and if you establish that you’re the needy one who’ll give her whatever she wants...” She sighed, then added. “Believe me, I know.”

“It’s a risk. Yeah, I see that. And ... I know, too.”

“Going to sleep?”

“I think so.”

“Are we running in the morning?”

I chuckled. “I ... hrm. Nah, let’s skip it.”

“Works for me!”

We snuggled back up, and I managed to sleep, fairly quickly.

As promised, and expected, Jasmine was nowhere to be seen. The school was nowhere near as strict about sick days as schools would be when my kids were in school. Miss a few days? Get your work done and no one cared. In 2020? Miss more than five days in a semester and it took a formal petition, approved by the principal, or you lost the whole semester. Nonsense, but that’s how the state guaranteed that butts were in seats. Butts in seats was the basis of the funding system, and... ‘You get what you measure.’

My day was ... fine. Several people asked how Jasmine was doing, and I said she wasn’t feeling well. As noted, I’d had decades of practice telling the truth in the same way with my ex-wife. She certainly hadn’t been ‘feeling well.’ It had nothing to do with her being ill — she was just in an awful mood, hating the world and everyone in it. Starting with me, but continuing down the list.

What Jasmine’s mood was, who could say? I’d find out at dinner.

Tony caught up to me mid-day.

“Steve?”

“Hey, Tony.”

“You’ve been MIA, man. Everything okay?”

I shrugged. “Some things going on. I think things are getting better.”

“Good, ‘cuz I’ll need you back focused on Council, soon.”

I probably blushed at that. “I haven’t missed anything, have I? I’ve been ... fairly distracted.”

“Nah. I mean, some committee stuff. You were optional. Cammie would’ve smacked you if it was important. But Monday’s the first Council meeting.”

“I’ll be there, and focused.”

“Good!”

Jessica stopped me as I was heading to my car. “Um ... I don’t want to cause trouble...”

I shook my head, then hugged her. She was a friend and I wasn’t going to let the mess with Jasmine change that.

She hugged back, smiling. “Thanks. Um ... I still want to...”

“It’s still a little awkward right now, but I know you want to talk. As soon as I can, I’ll let you know.”

“Good,” she said, smiling. “I have more things to talk about, but ... still, mostly, the big one.”

“How’s the school year going? We see each other every day, but...”

“I know. We barely talk. I understand why, but it’s ... well. Anyway, it’s going well. Sam’s already moved up to varsity cheer. I figured you’d want to know that, and you’d probably miss it, otherwise. Anyway, it’s ... fine. School, I mean.” She sighed. “Except for our not talking. I guess ... it’s maybe made one thing easier, at least.”

“Which is a good thing, at least.”

She smiled, nodding. “What might have been...” she said with a sigh. “But it was never going to be, not really.”

“It wasn’t. I um ... I wish I could stay and talk, but...”

“You have to be somewhere. I get that. Believe me, I get that. Go!”

She hugged me again, and I hugged back. In for a penny, in for a pound, I suppose.

“We’ll talk soon, I promise.” If things with Jasmine hadn’t settled, I’d put her off a week, no more. We were already nearly at too long already, and would be if not for the confession that the original story was off.

I got in my car and headed home. Dinner tonight called for a change of clothes.

Camille met me at the door when I arrived.

“Hello, Steve,” she said, giving me a hug and kisses on my cheeks.

“Hello, Camille,” I said, hugging her back.

Jasmine appeared around the corner a second later.

“I ... um. Hi, Steve,” she said, softly.

“Hi,” I said, turning towards her.

She stepped closer, then rushed the last few steps and hugged me, starting to cry.

I hugged her tight and stroked her back gently.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, until she’d settled back down. “I ... we ... should talk.”

I nodded. “Talking is really good.”

Camille smiled. “Dinner will be ready when you are.”

I took her hand, slightly amazed that she didn’t just drop it, and we headed for her room. She closed the door, then patted the bed. I sat.

“I’m still...” She sighed, sitting at the head of the bed, cross-legged. “I guess I don’t know how I got here.”

“I know less than you do.”

“Fair enough,” she said. “It ... things were ... I felt like things were off when you left, I guess. Oh, not much, but...”

She paused, then sighed. “The prettiest girl in the school ... in the state ... was falling for you. I’m confident ... enough ... but... Jessica. I know you said it’d be fine, but I worried. And then, you were away from her, but...”

I nodded. “I should have made it even more clear that I wasn’t tempted.”

“Wasn’t tempted? Seriously? You nearly fucked her! And you admitted you’d fallen a little for Lexi, which ... I mean, I love Lexi, but she doesn’t really hold a candle to Jessica.” She said that without sounding angry, or very little, which surprised me.

“I did not ‘nearly fuck her’. Oh, she could’ve pushed things, but I would’ve stopped it. And Lexi is a different person, different time. I haven’t fallen for Jessica. I really like her, but that’s as a friend, and she knows that.”

She peered at me. “I believe you, and I don’t. That’s probably part of my trouble.”

I nodded. “So ... jealousy about Jessica. I ... I get that, I guess.”

She blinked. “Jealousy? I ... am I...?” She shook her head. “I didn’t even think I could become jealous. I didn’t ... I didn’t call it that.”

“What did you call it?”

“Being practical?” She gave a dry little laugh. “My boyfriend had gone and hooked the prettiest girl in the school. Of course I’d get prepared for the inevitable.”

“Jas ... look. I don’t want to upset you, but ... you have to know that it hurts, you thinking I’d do that.”

She sighed. “I’ve been thinking it for almost two months. This is the first I’ve thought the opposite since ... I don’t know. I guess ... of course it does. Sorry, I didn’t mean it to hurt you.”

“Just to say it ... and ... well, damn. I was going to say you know I mean it, but ... you don’t. Not yet. Anyway ... Jas ... I would not ... I will not ... I would never dump you that way. If we break up, I’d end things with you first, completely.”

“People say that. I suppose I have to believe it, now. I mean, I do. I didn’t.”

“Jas ... you’re a pretty amazing person. I think you know that. Or knew that. In any case ... look, this is simple. I love you. I don’t love Jessica. Oh, I like her, a lot. I’d be willing to even say that I think I could love her. But I don’t, and I’m not going to.”

“Telling me you could love another girl seems risky,” she said, with another little laugh.

I shrugged. “I’m not going to lie to you. Besides, it means almost nothing to choose someone when all you think is that they’re the only one you could ever have...”

I tailed off. A conversation with Jane had just presented itself.

“What? What are you thinking?” Jasmine asked.

“Um ... nothing. Another conversation for another time. Anyway ... what I was saying was, if I couldn’t love another girl, it’d mean ... well, I guess it could mean I believed in there being only one true soulmate for each of us, but I don’t. In the absence of that, it means I’m making a real choice, not just taking the only option.”

She nodded. “Makes sense. Still seems risky, though.” Her mood was lightening up just a bit, I thought.

“Also — could. Definitely not am. I do love other girls...”

She frowned at that.

“Angie, for instance.” That got a little laugh. “Cammie, Janet, and Lizzie, in their ways. My mother. Meg. Steffie. I’ll always love Candice and Nancy. But ... I’m not in love with any of them, nor is my love for them romantic. I’m in love with you, and you are the one I love romantically.”

She shook her head. “I guess this is why I wouldn’t talk. You’re too good at this. Oh, I know you’re not lying, just...” She sighed. “Also, I think you might be wrong about Angie. But, you’re right that she’s not a threat to our relationship. Never was.”

“I ... will just leave that one alone.”

“Undoubtedly wise.”

“Um ... how did we get here ... oh. Way back to Jessica. Are we ... better ... at least?”

She sighed. “We’re better. I ... just ... okay, you already did this. But ... look me in the eye and tell me that I don’t have anything to worry about.”

I reached over, took her hand, and looked her in the eye. “Jasmine Nguyen, you do not have anything to worry about, not with Jessica, nor anything else that I know as of now. I can’t predict the future, but I love you, and I want to explore that, which is what we talked about. Maybe it doesn’t work, but maybe it does, and we make further commitments. For now, I’m committing that I’ll never ... well ... if anything makes me doubt things between us, I’ll bring that to you before I do anything with anyone else.”

“Which ... well. I guess that’s what we always said, but ... obviously ... I didn’t believe it.”

“We’ll learn. There’s one thing I can say, I guess.”

“Yes?”

“Jessica.” She made a face when I said that. I continued, “No, I mean it. If we can survive you worrying if she is going to steal me away ... is there a bigger threat?”

“Angie ... but ... yeah, that would be a tough road.”

“And she wouldn’t do that to you.”

She sighed, looking down. “I ... yeah.”

“Jas?”

She looked up, sighing again. “Yeah?”

“How did we get here?”

Just like that, she was looking down again. “I ... I was ... mostly fine when you left. I started ... thinking ... well, you know what I was thinking. I ... it wasn’t bad, and I didn’t say anything, because I trusted you. Then...” She sighed. “I got out to USC and it ... sucked.”

“I thought you were having a great time.”

“I was, but ... I mean ... it was fucking hard. I was practicing or studying every second at first. Not enough sleep, and everything I did was a little wrong.”

“I wasn’t there, but it sounds ... well. I was going to say it sounds harsh, but I got nitpicked on all sorts of things. It was constructive, though.”

“Mine was ... yeah ... not what I’d call constructive. More like ‘you stupid cow, how can you not have the step yet!? It’s left on seven!’”

I shook my head. “I would’ve slugged someone.”

She chuckled softly. “No. No, you wouldn’t. I know you. You’d have sucked it up, said mean things behind their back, and gotten it done.”

“Jas ... maybe. Maybe. Don’t put me on that much of a pedestal. You’re a better singer, dancer, and actor than I am.”

She started to shake her head.

“No, I mean that. Really. Of course you are. Years of practice.”

“Well, I sucked out there. Oh, I got it. Most of it. But ... it was hard and it sucked and I was exhausted and ... it just ... Blue picked my spirits back up, but...”

I nodded. “You’re about to say the real answer to my question is Blue.”

“She made so much sense. Of course my smart, charming, handsome, amazing gringo boyfriend would wind up with the amazing hot cheerleader he’d somehow managed to charm the panties off of. Stop! Do not say anything! I’m not bad, but I’m not Jessica! Plus, you know ... slant-eyes. All that. She had me watching, and...”

She hesitated, sighed, and some tears appeared.

“I guess ... it’s ... I started to see things. Make myself see things. After that it just snowballed. And I was furious, but I was exhausted and ... I knew what I was furious about, but there was nothing I could call you out about. I figured you’d just move on.”

I shook my head. “I have to ask. Gail?”

“Dammit ... okay, I know you had good reasons. But... I would’ve been fine with that, and you know that. Who wouldn’t be fine? Jessica. My mind ... well, or Blue’s mind, maybe ... said you were holding back so you could tell her you hadn’t been with anyone else. And then you got back and you didn’t see any of the girls, and...”

“Jas ... whether or not I sleep with any other girl has nothing to do with how I feel about you.” I stopped, searching my feelings. This was a day for saying ‘In for a penny, in for a pound.’ I went on, “I’m a little upset that you’d put something like that on my sleeping with someone else. I don’t think we should pressure each other to sleep with anyone. Offer, even encourage, that’s fine, but ... I really felt pressured.”

She blushed, more than I would’ve expected, and nodded firmly, tears flowing a bit more. “I know. I know. It was dumb! But I was just so ... tired.”

“Jas? When’s the last time you had a decent night’s sleep?”

“Um ... maybe ... July, before I left? I couldn’t get enough hours at USC and it’s ... bad ... here.”

“You...”

“I know. You don’t have to say it. All that sleep deprivation has me a bit crazy. I’m just ... tired. Tired of everything sucking.”

I shifted to hug her, going slowly in case she wasn’t ready for it. Obviously, she was, because she nearly flew into my arms, sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please ... forgive...”